On Not Writing and then Writing Again
The sun shone bright and hot every day of my time in Costa Rica. A cloudy day was one in which half the sky was still vibrant blue, and was almost a welcome reprieve from the brilliant light that washed over everything. That all changed when I flew home to Vancouver and the first two weeks were filled with rain and cool temperatures. I didn’t see the sun for days at a time, and it had a strong effect on me. Much stronger than I had anticipated.
April was a temporary month for me. I was still living out of a bag and crashing with other people, suffering from mild depression due to sunshine withdrawal, and trying to generally find my place in the world now that I’d quit my job and returned from my tropical brain reset. I had the best intentions of diving right into the writing as soon as I returned to Vancouver, but by the time the sun came out again I was already too embeded into my lack of motivation to do any meaningful work. The initial writing attempts were frustrating and slow, and I wasn’t happy with what I was writing. I had external pressures weighing me down, and I wasn’t able to produce the base quality of writing that I felt worthwhile.
After several days of guilt and shame, I decided to give myself a break. I allowed myself the month of April to work on preparing for the new apartment I’d be moving into in May, and to dealing with the temporary situation I’d found myself in. I wish I could easily look back and say “these were the obvious problems,” but I can’t. Several factors just played their parts in keeping me from sitting my ass down, or doing anything productive on the few occasions I fired up the word processor.
I’m here on my fourth day of writing in the new apartment, and the words are starting to come again. It’s not easy to take up with a month old project, but I’m scratching notes with paper and pen, trying to get the plot back on track. I’m also not sitting in the bookshelf-lined office I once hoped for, but instead writing at the kitchen table on a hard wooden chair. The important thing is that I feel I’ve found my place to work for the next several months.
A writer writes. We all know this, but sometimes a writer has to give themselves permission to not write. Not for too long, but if you feel you have legitimate reasons keeping you from work, then there’s no use in moping around feeling guilty about it. If you really felt that bad, you’d probably sit down and write something, wouldn’t you?
“A writer writes. We all know this, but sometimes a writer has to give themselves permission to not write.”
I so totally agree. But–sssh!! Don’t tell the Real Writurs! ;) No, but seriously. There is definitely something to be said for writing everyday, no matter what. Particularly if you want to be published and will eventually have deadlines that don’t care about whether you’re tired or busy or don’t feel “into” the book today.
But sometimes, it’s not about that. Sometimes, your mind/body/soul/whatever is telling you something different: you need a break, you need to ‘refill the well,’ you need to slow down or you’ll burn out, you need to stop and reconsider something you’ve done or are about to do without the drive of ‘ONWARD!!’ cluttering your mind… This is a lesson I’m learning with my current book and wow, is it making a difference.
Like you said, though, you have to be very careful to listen to yourself and make sure you can tell the difference between “waaah! i don’t wanna!!” and “whoa. slow down for a minute…”
Um. Yeah. Sorry to hijack comments with a small dissertation. It just really resonated with me. :)
May 7th, 2010 at 4:24 pmNo apology necessary. I’m glad what I had to say reflected something in your own experience.
I find one of the most difficult things about having all these sources of information at our fingertips is the plethora of voices spouting opinion with such force that it sometimes comes off as fact. It’s too easy to see not writing every day as failure, or to think that following the more natural method A is less valid than the much talked about method B.
Deep down, we all know when we’re being true to our work and goals, and when we’re shirking responsibility. I guess this post, and many of my others, are really just forms of the Be True To Yourself theme, but I think it’s a sentiment that bears repeating for those feeling that they’re doing something wrong.
May 10th, 2010 at 10:27 am